alcoholic idiot nightmare gamer winemaker
you’re not going to believe this. 3s. absolute prick of a day. fed the animals and tilly the antique cat leaked liquid shit all over my favourite hoodie, and just an hour ago another fox got in the hen house. took care of it. will sleep well tonight
well shit. buckle up buttercups todays grovel novel sucks. never cried so much.
took the dexys for breakfast, felt so ready for war so I head to work, 3hrs of white knuckle being surrounded by about a million litres of wine in tank barrel n bottle, had the 247 AA meeting in my ear which helps me stay grounded, I realised I didn’t want to drink, but it was only a matter of time. made a coffee, rolled a ciggie, deep breath and burst into tears. cannot do it. 15 years of working 140 diff wineries, drunk the entire time, had an absolute ball I adore working wineries… while drunk. trying to do it sober at 96 days felt impossible, jane found me chainsmoking and crying, still sober just melting down. the dexys give me ultimate clarity. I could see the situation I’m in is fucked, and I’m going to fuck it all up and ruin my life yet again if I stayed. had good long look up and down my home winery looking at all the barrels tanks and my forklift, hurt so much probably last time I’ll see inside. had to quit my job due to my alcoholism. finally admitted it, was in denial. don’t even know yo ass is lying. I had no idea I was bullshitting myself, I was confident. haven’t written up a resume in 15 years, when I started there in 2021 I told the boss, hey boss bottling sucks can I come work for you guys? sure drcatface we’ll find something for you to do. then I crash my car after drinking 20 at work, the entire crew came to visit me in the hospital. how can we help, what can we do. they started breathalyzing me at the start and end of every shift, kept me outta trouble, couple times I busted but just put my hand up said sorry team I fucked up. sorry sorry sorry, doesn’t mean shit from a practicing alcoholic. came home crying my eyes out, cuddled animals and sat in a hellfire hot shower for an hour. I’ve had you are my sunshine, my only sunshine stuck in my head since I left. about to get some weed so I can run away some more without drinking. just want mind blank. love you guys, stay tf away from alcohol.
day 1 quitting weed. flip flop flip flop. it stopped being fun years ago and is just another way for me to hide from the world. haven’t been to a mtg in yonks, tmrw night looking fwd to it. love yas
meds have got me sleeping 16hrs a day, frustrating as heck, can’t even game just gotta lie there cause my eyes hurt. think I’ve figured it out, just doubled the strength of my coffees. yeehaw. 94 what a great year that was.
thankyou for sharing. this is so helpful to all of us, a harsh reminder of the reality of this illness. there by the grace of god go I, who I was, who I am and who I could be again. my condolences I’m going to call my dad. all the best my friend, msg if you need to talk I can give you my whatsapp.
cold and rainy down here, been sleeping in a cuddle puddle with border collie and dalmation, 93
low 90s hyped for triple digits. one day at a time. can’t do 3 days at a time.
saw a glass of wine and stared at it for a bit, quite literally thought nothing of it. completely vacant. I understand it’s deadly to me and most of my friends, not to others. one drink is enough to ruin my life. again. never again.
walked past the same glass again and thought, don’t think anything don’t think any… dammit. 91.
YOOOOOOOOOO haha congrats !!! 3 months here, 3 years there. wonder how long we’ve got collectively. apes together strong
level 90. resentment gone. deadly stuff, it’s dangerous in my brain I can’t go alone I need a flashlight. I didn’t want to take my meds this morning, didn’t want the clarity I just wanted to be numb and run from my problems. it’s like I’ve done 30 years worth of processing in 2 days. life’s getting lifey. the novelty has worn off and it feels like normal. into action.
rough day all round. tomorrow’s almost always better.
thanks v much, turns out the resentment wasn’t justified. I mistook ignorance for malice.
resentment is the number one killer of alcoholics. we cannot afford the luxury of anger, no matter how justified. just replaying what happened in slow motion over and over in my head, getting angrier and unable to switch gears so I threw up a quick prayer, grant me the serenity etc, and it’s mostly been removed I’ve calmed down a lot. dabbling with the adhd medication, dexedrine, has been extremely eye opening. I’m capable, functional, not wrapped in agony, anguish and turmoil. im still not prescribed but it’s like everything is much clearer. I can sit down and read for an hour. I’m 31, the psychiatrist says, I think you may be adhd. mum says, oh I could’ve told you that. I glare and her mentally screaming, why didn’t you. I just fucked up everything I went near for 30 years having no clue why I need to self medicate into blackouts every night and start every morning. I thought it was strictly ptsd and depression issues.
I’m diagnosed just not prescribed until I pee clean, it’s hard to explain but 10mg makes me feel so normal, I can just blend in, talk to people, it’s cut my cigarettes coffee and weed consumption in half, if I was already prescribed I would have no issue dropping weed forever. I have to stop self medicating for 6 weeks to get medicated. any way that’s me I got a meeting tonight it’s newcomers at the hospy so I’d rather get this out here. 3 months today woot love yas
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOtomorrow but I’m a lil excited inhaleOOOOOÕOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
this is great to hear, thanks for sharing your good news. what was the exam on and what’s the new gig?
late but I didn’t drink today. playing a game teaching my new friends a boss fight, you have to block one move or 1 shot kills u, everyone got vaporised but me left standing there alone like, oh ok bye guys take care :(