I work remote, but occasionally have to travel to New York City for in-office events. During these events I sit in a conference room with the rest of my team all day. We usually have a team dinner planned during the week or something.
Tuesday I got into New York and later that night we went out to dinner. This ended up going until 10:30pm, which is pretty late for me (I usually am in bed by 10). It was also announced that day that we would go bowling today (Wednesday). After a day of sitting in a conference room for 8 straight hours, I really didn’t feel like going out with my coworkers or drinking beer til 10 or 11 at night. I told my coworkers I was going to skip it because I wanted to go to the gym and I made something up about having to file my taxes by tonight, but I think they generally understood that I just didn’t want to go.
I also was never explicitly invited; we were just told “we are going bowling on Wednesday”, so I think there was the expectation that I go, but I strongly feel that nobody should be obligated to go to an after-work event (especially since I already went to one).
How would you handle the situation? How do you get out of these kinds of events?
…and…
I totally get where you’re coming from, and most replies here are “you’re not obligated, so don’t go” or “just say no”. If you were living in the same city as your work, you could probably get away with this without any repercussions. Where you might get burned here is that work paid for your travel to New York for this. If you’re only going to participate in the “in office” portion of the meeting, they have a good argument to not fly you out and put you up in a hotel. They could just ask you to join a video conference. This may be your preference even, but if so, you should talk to your boss about it.
Something like: “Hey boss, I see there’s the upcoming on-site meeting scheduled. I wanted to let you know that my out-of-work schedule doesn’t really accommodate the after work activities that go on because of timing. I know the budget is always tight, so I am just fine with joining the meeting on Teams. Heck, keep the same budget and buy everyone else there HUGE steak dinners with what you’re saving on my flight and hotel costs!”
Keep in mind, while you’re not obligated to go to these, when the job cuts come, your self imposed exclusion to these events may make you a target.
Alternatively, you can go to the after-work events, but politely duck out after an hour or so being there. That way you’ll still get “credit” for going, and everyone will remember that you were there.
I’d go with the duck out early option personally. Showing your face and socializing with others can make a real impact on how your coworkers think about you. They won’t remember you left early, but they may remember you didn’t go.
Now of course, if you don’t care about that, just politely decline the invitation.